$5,000 Tooth
How I discovered Santa Cruz County’s hidden dental system
Back when I toured nationally, I played a lot of comedy clubs in Texas, and my San Francisco comic buddies would tease me for playing venues that had a “two-tooth minimum.” California/Texas tooth disparity is real: California’s Medi-Cal, our version of Medicaid, provides comprehensive dental benefits to eligible adults through Medi-Cal Dental. Texas Medicaid generally does not provide comprehensive dental coverage for most adults. Don’t mess with Texas. They might gum you.
I discovered California’s hidden dental system. Then I discovered something else: finding a Denti-Cal dentist in Santa Cruz County may be harder than qualifying for Denti-Cal itself. I’m not broke, I’m having an out-of-money experience.
First, I have wonderful news: if I keep my income as low as it is, Medi-Cal will pay for my dental care with a zero-dollar co-pay. This freelance writing racket is starting to pay off. I was beginning to despair that I could even take care of my teeth. Why teeth aren’t covered by Medicare is a mystery to me, Medicare pays for medical help for everything from trichomonads to gonads, but somehow teeth are not included in the program’s life-saving embrace. Medicare’s view that teeth are luxury bones seems very Texas to me. I wonder how many Santa Cruz County dentists actually accept Denti-Cal patients?
I had not been to a dentist in years, but now I’m going because my comedy career is on fire; I played the Truckee KOA and a woman got so turned on by my act she threw her teeth onstage. With my pocket full of loose change, I go to my wife’s dentist, Dr. Holycare (satire is the last refuge of truth). He X-rays my mouth for $300 and tells me that while I don’t have any cavities, he wants to give me three crowns that will cost me out-of-pocket slightly over $5,000. $5,000 is more than my 2009 Prius is worth. $5,000 is perilously close to what I made in stand-up comedy last year if you count the loose change I found in the seats. Dr. HolyScare informs me that the $300 X-rays of my teeth “need to stay in the office for treatment efficiency”. I did leave with a consent form for three crowns that would require a $5,000 retainer.
I’ve always been kind of crazy about taking care of my teeth; I floss twice a day and avoid sugar like its meth. But, after getting Dr. HolyScared, I get so stressed about the possibility of cracking a tooth that I stop eating hard food. Suddenly every bite becomes a risk assessment; I understand that man cannot live on bread alone, frequently there must be a nut, but almonds seem downright reckless. I have a dream where I confront an attacker, “Get any closer and I will gum ya!”
Then I hear about Medi-Cal, California’s version of Medicaid. They have a program called Medi-Cal Dental. I apply, get accepted and with Medi-Cal Dental I get tiny filing in a wisdom tooth, for zero out-of-pocket charge. My dentist wanted to give me three crowns on molars, but Medi-Cal denied the three crowns, saying my teeth are worn down and cracked, but not broken, and they will have to crack before California will pay for their repair. I go through the entire appeal process with a judge, it takes six months, and I may have thrown my shoulder out from patting myself on the back - “I could have been a lawyer!” I hit it off with Judge Matsui, we share our teeth grinding stories and for a brief moment the hearing becomes a support group for people who grind their teeth in their sleep. We exchange mouth-guard recommendations. But in the end the judge agrees with Medi-Cal Dental that the attrition and cracks on my back teeth do not warrant Medi-Cal funded crowns. For the present, I can chew with no pain and have an uneasy assurance that when one of the molars does shatter, I may be able to get it fixed without selling my car or moving to France.